Why?

There has been to many days lately that I am completely disgusted in the choices of food I have chosen to eat. I know 100% what is really good for you down to what is the worst junk food you could eat. I HATE being FAT I truly do I HATE it with all my heart and soul. Yet I cling to it as if it where my only life source. I am not comfortable in my own skin. So the big question WHY? If I put my mind to it I can drop the weight I just can NOT maintain the weight loss. I know that I have to Change whatever that it is in my mind that is causing me to be so self destructive. Yes indeed I have been through some serious crap in my life but who hasn't? I am who I am today because of it. It makes me stronger with other aspects of my life. It even makes me closer to God. So Why is it that I can not release this last bit of my childhood of being overweight FOREVER to him? Why can't it be just as simple as handing it over? This is a ton of bricks that I carry with me every single minute of my day with me EVEN when I sleep at night I have brief times when I wake only to be reminded that I am fat and in pain! :( Me being this way is so taxing on me. I insist my children eat healthy that they don't watch to much TV that they get exercise through play day in and day out MY husband has even dropped weight and has self control day in and day out yet here I sit with what I say is a secret that the whole world can see. I over eat on a daily basis. Perhaps I should look on line about OA Gosh could it hurt NO! Perhaps it is a 12 step program. I will look into it. I will NOT go to a support group IRL but I will perhaps bore you all with my post of my battle that I have to win or else it will take my life. Those of you who Pray please do I have to do this for me, for my girls, for my husband, and to honor God. He gave me this body not to distroy myself but to honor HIm.