A few things I need to just write out...

Ya know how it helps just to say it all,get it out of your mind, and hopefully you can move on to the next set of emotions that are in line?
well,here are a few of mine.
I ran into a lady that helped me write my report up on Sparky ( my lost cat) for her to tell me that after I reported him gone like 5 other cats in my area came up missing no bodies found nothing, I sat there and just stared at her, I was just moving on its been a month ya know, Now here I sit and think about the awful things that could be happening to him or has happened by some cruel evil cat hating person, God forbid this is happening. But there I go and sit with these thoughts like a storm in my head that makes me break down and cry! I feel physically ill when I think about it.
also we were going to move, start a new life, with his new job and things were going to finally be the American dream for us, for the first time in 36 years I thought gosh this is for real, I let myself go to the happy place with out pessimistic thoughts. Well that went down the drain with a large part of me, that I have lost. Chad is completely heart broken yet neither one of us can change this outcome to the level that it would of been. WE are fine with what we have but when someone allows you to believe and to go and actually vision it in your head to embrace it to get excited about it to share it with our children ( to a certain degree) then to have to go back all the way back to the beginning its like the rug being pulled out from under you. I would of never ever dreamed in that way but I allowed myself to and now I hate myself for trusting.
Last week when I found out about my Dads heart, I couldn't go there completely, this is BIG He is old he can barely walk with out losing his breath, He has many other heart related issues. I am scared to death that he will die. What would come of us? I can't let this happen I don't know how to stop it its completely out of my hands all I can do is pray and I don't feel like it is enough not like I am making a dent in the situation. How do I tell my children that there Papa has to have heart surgery? They need to know how serious it is so they are not blind sided by any outcome. ME too for that matter. I need to deal with it, this is why I am seriously getting this out of my head to put on the screen for me to read.
I am completely overwhelmed in my home, I can't figure out how to take care of 4 children, keep up laundry dishes, dusting, windexing changing sheets, vacuuming, disciplining (SP), homework, dinner lunches breakfast its all to much I do it all but I don't do any of them well. I can't even have a conversation for more than 2 minutes with any child with out the others taking over the situations I have lost complete control. The respect for me in this house is nil. Yet every waking moment I have I give give give to them never me! Audrey screams in my face what seems like 70% of the day she provokes fights with Taylor and Taylor and recently been telling me she hates me! Goodness I can't take it I just can't take it! Winter is coming and I will have no way out of here. I can't stand being here in this home when everyone is here. I would rather sit at a grocery store with a bunch of strangers than sit in this small overcrowded house that everyone believes I am their personal servant. I don't have the money like others to go and get a housekeeper to help with the overwhelming mounds of laundry that 6 people make, or to hire someone to watch my children for 1 hour even so that I could take a break nothing! I am coming to the conclusion that I truly in a sucky ass part of my life! I am a prisoner, I can't escape. When I talk to Chad about going out with my friends he gets all jealous, but his words say go have fun but his actions are like I am cheating on him!! WTF! I know he loves me, wants me to be happy but,,,,, he isn't going to do anything about it. But then again its not for him to do anything about is it? Its for me to stand up and make that Change but how?....